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Shanti Kate 78 Blog Spot
The uncomfortable comfort zone...
After pushing myself for four days working, then
waking up feeling emotional and tired I turn inwards. The questions “why am I
doing what I am doing?” and “why am I pushing myself so hard to do what I am
doing?” have been arising in me recently.
This morning I have allowed myself to stop, to
breathe, to cry, to allow, to feel and then the realisation came. I have spent
much of my life in flight & fight mode, in fact I am told that at my birth
I did not want to come out, fighting with life itself right from the very start!
My childhood was materialistically safe,
comfortable, well nurtured, however the family unit was emotional chaos with feelings of discomfort, of not being safe, of wanting to run away, with the flight mode engaged a lot of the time & if it wasn't the flight mode then it was fight mode.
I am beyond blaming my past for my current life/state,
more intrigued how can I re-set myself to a healthy state of well-being, take responsibility
for where I am at. This morning I
realise of course, my comfort zone is discomfort. Discomfort is the familiar,
the feeling of not feeling safe is the comfort zone, feeling edgy & in survival mode. I consistently recreate what I have always known even if it appears and feel
uncomfortable it is comfortable. Quite the paradox!
It’s a challenge to re-set patterns of a life time,
the last three months have been a dance between pushing and surrendering. It’s
like I am on the edge of trusting life but I can’t quite allow myself to fully trust
and fall off the edge.
I have got the point of having enough of; pushing, fighting, struggle, competing, rising, challenge, of “doing” alone. I feel ready
for being, to; allow, surrender, flow, dance, be seen and to be part of a
circle, a collective.
At the moment, for me, it is a merry dance between the yang
& yin, the masculine & feminine, but without really knowing the yin,
the feminine, it can only be an unfolding of discovery.
With grace I fall into a new way of being, of letting life live me.
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